Preparing for Marriage

Note from Mom

I hope that you are working for an eternal marriage now.  This cannot wait until you find a companion and get married.  You need to work on who you need to be so you can find the type of person you want to find.  Start now and prayerfully ask the Lord, “What lack I yet?”  He will show you (and me) what we need to do to become the right kind of person.

Where Do You Want to Go?

In Lewis Carroll’s story Alice in Wonderland, Alice approaches the Cheshire Cat and asks, “Would you please tell me which way I ought to go from here?”

The Cheshire Cat replies, “That depends a great deal on where you want to go.”

Alice says, “I admit, I don’t much care where.”

The Cheshire Cat then says, “Then it doesn’t really matter much which way you go, does it?”

“Just so I get somewhere,” responds Alice.

Then the Cheshire Cat reveals an interesting truth: “Oh, you’re sure to get there if you keep walking long enough.”

How many of us are going through life telling ourselves, “If we keep going long enough, we’re going to get somewhere,” but are not defining exactly where that place is we want to be? “Somewhere” is not good enough. We must know where we want to go and be firmly committed to getting there. And we should get that knowledge and commitment early (Hales 2006).

Becoming Mr./Mrs. Right

As we visit with young adults all over the Church, often they will ask, "Well, what are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?" As though they have some checklist of, "I need to find someone who has these three, or hour, or five things." And I rather forcefully say to them, "You are so arrogant to think that you are some catch and that you want someone else who has these five things for you! If you found somebody who had these three or four or five characteristics that you're looking for, what makes you think they'd want to marry you?" The "list" is not for evaluating someone else -- the list is for you and what you need to become.  And so if there are three primary characteristics that [you] hope to find in an eternal companion, then those are the three things [you] ought to be working to become.  Then [you] will be attractive to someone who has those things. . . You are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics.  You become what you hope your spouse will be and you'l have a greater likelihood of finding that person (Bednar, 2009).

Faith and Dating

Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity?  Be a true disciple of Jesus.  Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint.  Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does.  You separate dating from discipleship at your peril (Holland, 2003).

Marital Timing

It's marriage time.  That is what the Lord intends for His young adult sons and daughters (Oaks, 2006).

I remind you that the association you now enjoy as students is probably the best time of your lives to find your own "Beloved Eternal Companion." Do so with a prayer in your heart.  It will be the most important decision you will ever make.  It will influence your life from now through all eternity (Hinckley, 2006).

I Hope you will not put off marriage too long. . . . Don't go on endlessly in a frivolous dating game.  Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision. (Hinckley, 1990).

Social Science Research on Marital Age

Studies have repeatedly found that age at marriage has a strong association with marriage outcomes until approximately the age of 21 or 22.  This means that up until this age, the older people are when they get married, the lower their chances are of getting divorced.  However, the association between age at marriage and divorce rate is virtually erased after the age of 22.  This means that being 23 or 25 or 30 years of age does little to decrease your chances of divorce any more than being 21 or 22 does (Carroll, 2012, p. 10).

Myth of the "Soul Mate"

President Kimball said, "Soul mates are fiction and illusion; and while every young man and young woman will see with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price" (as cited in Carroll, 2012, p. 11).

Other Valuable Articles:

Preparing Yourself for Marriage by Elder Eric B. Shumway
Preparing for an Eternal Marriage and Family in Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, Chapter 14

References

Bednar, D. A. (2009). Mormon Channel, Conversations, Episode 001. Retrieved from https://www.mormonchannel.org/listen/series/conversations-audio/elder-and-sister-bednar-episode-1

Carroll, J. S., (2012). Young Adulthood and Pathways to Eternal Marriage. In A. J. Hawkins & D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (pp. 3-15) Provo, UT: BYU Studies.

Holland, J. R. (2003, October). How do I love thee?. New Era,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/new-era/2003/10/how-do-i-love-thee?lang=eng

Oaks, D. H. (2006, June). Dating versus hanging out. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng

Equal Partnership

Note from Mom

My parents were always a good example of equality in marriage.  My dad, always the one to joke, would say “I’m the head of the house!  But my wife is the neck, and the neck turns the head!”  I don’t think this was quite true of their relationship because they work very well in tandem with each other.  Growing up with this example, I never expected anything less for myself.  I feel like your father values me, my mind, and my opinion every bit as much as his own.  And likewise, I value his.  I am very fortunate to have found someone who treats me as his equal partner.  I hope each of you find someone who treats you as well, and I hope that you, in turn, treat them with love and respect as your equal partner.

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.  

“[The Family: A Proclamation to the World] states that fathers ‘are to preside’ and ‘to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families,’ while mothers ‘are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.’ Fathers and mothers are to ‘help one another’ fulfill these duties as ‘equal partners’” (Hafen & Hafen, 2007).

“The family proclamation’s exhortation to equal partnership in marriage does not mean that husband and wife are identical, but it does mean that in a very real and meaningful sense they must stand as equals before each other to find the joy that is their heritage in marriage (Hudson & Miller, 2012).

“Men and women joined together in marriage need to work together as a full partnership. However, a full and equal partnership between men and women does not imply the roles played by the two sexes are the same in God’s grand design for His children. As the proclamation clearly states, men and women, though spiritually equal, are entrusted with different but equally significant roles” (Ballard, 2006).

“Spouses need not perform the same functions to be equal” (Hafen & Hafen, 2007).

“Family stewardships should be understood in terms of their responsibilities -- obligations to one’s spouse, not power over one's spouse. . . according to the Hebrew translation, Genesis 3:16 is more accurately understood to mean Adam ‘ruling with,’ not ‘ruling over’ Eve” (as paraphrased and cited in Hudson & Miller, 2012).

“Social science research supports the prophetic instruction that couples who have an equal partnership have happier relationships, more effective parenting practices, and better-functioning children. Scholars have consistently found that equal partners are more satisfied and have better overall marital quality than couples where one spouse dominates. Equal-partner relationships have less negative interaction and more positive interaction. Moreover, there is evidence that equal partners are more satisfied with the quality of the physical intimacy in their relationship” (Hudson & Miller, 2013).

Video:

The Women in Our Lives

For Younger Kids - an object lesson on "What's Fair?"
from Teach From the Heart

Ballard, M. R. (2006, March). The sacred responsibilites of parenthood. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/03/the-sacred-responsibilities-of-parenthood?lang=eng

The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Retrieved October 15, 2015, from https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

Hafen, B. C., & Hafen, M. K. (2007, August). Crossing thresholds and becoming equal partners. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/08/crossing-thresholds-and-becoming-equal-partners?lang=eng

Hudson, V. M. & Miller, R. B., (2012). Equal partnership between men and women in families. In A. J. Hawkins & D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (pp. 38-45 Provo, UT: BYU Studies.

Hudson, V. M. & Miller, R. B., (2013, April). Equal partnership in marriage. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/04/equal-partnership-in-marriage?lang=eng&cid=GCact1213-4-1-6a1

Eternal Marriage

Note from Mom

    When we are sealed in the temple, it is because we hope to be together for eternity.  Because we will be spending the rest of time together and all of eternity, we need to have a relationship that will make us want to continue to be together.  This means that we need to nurture our marriage so the bonds between husband and wife are strong and desired, but we also need to make sure that it is of an eternal nature.  I hope that as you find your eternal companions that you will remember that these principles are vital to any eternal marriage.  I knew when I married your father that I wanted it to be forever.  With this perspective in mind, I understand that everything I say or do needs to be able to support an eternal relationship.  Harsh words and unkind attitudes will not make us want to be together forever, but as we lovingly nurture our relationship, our ties to each other are strengthened.

“THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”  (The Family)

“An eternal bond doesn’t just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves in this life will determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given to us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities” (Hales, 1996)

“First, I have observed that in the happiest marriages both the husband and wife consider their relationship to be a pearl beyond price, a treasure of infinite worth” (Clayton, 2013).

“If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by” (Howard, 2003).

“Next, faith. Successful eternal marriages are built on the foundation of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and adherence to His teachings. I have observed that couples who have made their marriages priceless practice the patterns of faith: they attend sacrament and other meetings every week, hold family home evening, pray and study the scriptures together and as individuals, and pay an honest tithing” (Clayton, 2013).

“Couples who practice their faith together generally have less conflict, are more likely to reach a mutually satisfying resolution if there is conflict, and are more likely to remain committed to each other and the marriage when conflict does occur” (as paraphrased and cited in Duncan & McCarty Zasukha, 2012).

“When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste—mentally and physically—so that their whole thoughts and desires and loves are all centered in the one being, their companion, and both work together for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle” (Kimball, 2002).

“Third, repentance. I have learned that happy marriages rely on the gift of repentance. It is an essential element in every good marital relationship. Spouses who regularly conduct honest self-examination and promptly take needed steps to repent and improve experience a healing balm in their marriages” (Clayton, 2013).

“The cure for most marital troubles does not lie in divorce. It lies in repentance and forgiveness, in expressions of kindness and concern. It is to be found in application of the Golden Rule” (Hinckley, 2004).

“Every couple, whether in the first or the twenty-first year of marriage, should discover the value of pillow-talk time at the end of the day—the perfect time to take inventory, to talk about tomorrow. And best of all, it’s a time when love and appreciation for one another can be reconfirmed. The end of another day is also the perfect setting to say, ‘Sweetheart, I am sorry about what happened today. Please forgive me.’

“You see, we are all still imperfect, and these unresolved differences, allowed to accumulate day after day, add up to a possible breakdown in the marital relationship—all for the want of better communication, and too often because of foolish pride” (Simpson, 1982).

Videos:

Saving Your Marriage

Repentance and Forgiveness

For Young Children: 

• Video: The Shiny Bicycle
• Lesson on Repentance from LDSdaily.com

“Fourth, respect. I have observed that in wonderful, happy marriages, husbands and wives treat each other as equal partners.

“Husbands and wives in great marriages make decisions unanimously, with each of them acting as a full participant and entitled to an equal voice and vote. They focus first on the home and on helping each other with their shared responsibilities” (Clayton, 2013).

“Husbands and wives, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another” (Nelson, 1991).

For Young Children:

Polite Superheroes

(While the lesson isn't related to respect in marriage, specifically, teaching respect and manners is definitely a stepping stone so we are ready to be respectful of others, including our spouses later.)

“Fifth, love. The happiest marriages I have seen radiate obedience to one of the happiest commandments—that we ‘live together in love’” (Clayton, 2013).

“Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity” (Eyring, 1998).

“Agency plays a fundamental role in our relationships with one another. This being true, we must make the conscious decision that we will love our spouse and family with all our heart, soul, and mind; that we will build, not “fall into,” strong, loving marriages and families” (Robbins, 2000).

Videos:
Enduring Love
Saving Your Marriage

Clayton, L. W. (2013, May). Marriage: Watch and learn. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/05/marriage-watch-and-learn.p1?lang=eng

Duncan, S. F., & McCarty Zasukha, S. S., (2012). Foundational processes for an enduring, healthy marriage. In A. J. Hawkins & D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (pp. 27-37). Provo, UT: BYU Studies.

Eyring, H. B. (1998, May). That we may be one. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1998/05/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng

The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Retrieved October 15, 2015, from https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

Hales, R. D. (1996, November). The eternal family. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1996/11/the-eternal-family?lang=eng

Hinckley, G. B. (2004, November). The women in our lives. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2004/11/the-women-in-our-lives?lang=eng

Howard, F. B. (2003, May). Eternal marriage. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2003/05/eternal-marriage?lang=eng

Kimball, S. W. (2002, October). Oneness in marriage. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2002/10/oneness-in-marriage?lang=eng

Nelson, R. M. (1991, May). Listen to learn. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1991/05/listen-to-learn?lang=eng

Robbins, L. G. (2000, October). Agency and love in marriage. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2000/10/agency-and-love-in-marriage?lang=eng

Simpson, R. L. (1982, May). A lasting marriage. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1982/05/a-lasting-marriage?lang=eng

The Plan of Salvation

Note from Mom:

When I understood that the whole purpose for the Plan of Salvation was so that we, as God’s children, could form eternal families, I was in awe.  I want you to know that God loves us and that he intended us to be a family forever.  I will forever be grateful for the atonement which enables our “family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave.” (Family Proclamation)  
Having grown up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, every year there would be another lesson on the Plan of Salvation. I used to roll my eyes as the teacher would draw the "same old diagram" on the chalk board. One year your dad and I were tasked with teaching a temple preparation class to a family about to go through the temple for the first time. Wouldn't you know it, we were supposed to teach The Plan of Salvation. I knew I could do the same old boring diagram, but I wanted the lesson to be interesting, so I made an elaborate plan to go from room to room as we talked about the different parts of the plan. However, I hadn't realized that the doctrines in the Plan of Salvation would be new and interesting to them (they'd only been members of the church for a little more than a year). They asked a multitude of questions, which we answered, and our time with them flew by quickly. This experience helped me realize "what I didn't know I knew." I hadn't understood how vital, how basic, knowing the Plan of Salvation was to understand the gospel and what our Father in Heaven has in store for us.

IN THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life.  (The Family)

We are speaking of the three pillars of heaven, of the three greatest events ever to occur in all eternity, of the three doctrines that are woven inseparably together to form the plan of salvation. We are speaking of the creation, the fall, and the atonement.

~Bruce R. McConkie

The Creation

The Creation of the earth provided a place where families could live. God created a man and a woman who were the two essential halves of a family. It was part of Heavenly Father’s plan that Adam and Eve be sealed and form an eternal family.

~Sister Julie B. Beck

And he shall plant in the hearts of the children the promises made to the fathers, and the hearts of the children shall turn to their fathers.

If it were not so, the whole earth would be utterly wasted at his coming.

~D&C 2:2-3

God created the earth, the garden, and our first parents in order to create families for all of His children to be born into and experience mortal life -- especially mortal family life.

~Daniel K. Judd

The Fall

The Fall provided a way for the family to grow. Adam and Eve were family leaders who chose to have a mortal experience. The Fall made it possible for them to have sons and daughters.

~Sister Julie B. Beck

Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

~2 Nephi 2:25

The Fall occurred because Adam and Eve chose to obey God’s commandment to multiply and replenish the earth and thus create the first family.

~Daniel K. Judd

The Atonement

The Atonement allows for the family to be sealed together eternally. It allows for families to have eternal growth and perfection. The plan of happiness, also called the plan of salvation, was a plan created for families. The rising generation need to understand that the main pillars of our theology are centered in the family.

~Sister Julie B. Beck

For it is expedient that an atonement should be made; for according to the great plan of the Eternal God there must be an atonement made, or else all mankind must unavoidably perish; yea, all are hardened; yea, all are fallenand are lost, and must perish except it be through the atonement which it is expedient should be made.

~Alma 34:9

The Savior completed the Atonement in order to reconcile God’s children with the Father and with one another.  Thus, the great plan of happiness is God’s plan for happiness in time and in eternity.

~Daniel K. Judd

The family concept is one of the major and most important of the whole theological doctrine.  In fact, our very concept of heaven itself is the projection of the home into eternity.  Salvation, then, is essentially a family affair, and full participation in the plan of salvation can be had only in family units.

~Hugh B. Brown

Ideas for younger members:

• Creation: Play the creation memory game found at JennySmith.net
• Creation: Let children color a picture to represent each day of the creation (variation is to have large outlines of the numbers 1-6 per sheet and decorate the numbers to represent each day of the creation):
• Fall: There is a cute flannel board story at sugardoodle
• Atonement: From the Life of Christ videos at lds.org  

Video Links

Having Children in Faith

His Sacred Name

Talk

Elder Holland: Where Justice, Love, and Mercy Meet

or just watch the highlight

References

Beck, J. B. (2011, March). Teaching the doctrine of the family. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/03/teaching-the-doctrine-of-the-family?lang=eng

The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Retrieved October 15, 2015, from https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

Judd, D. K. (2012). The eternal family: A plain and precious part of the plan of salvation. In     A. J. Hawkins & D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (p344). Provo, UT: BYU Studies.

McConkie, B. R. (1981, February 17). The Three Pillars of Eternity. Lecture presented during a devotional address at Brigham Young University, Provo, UT.  Retrieved from https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/bruce-r-mcconkie_three-pillars-eternity/

Families are Forever

Moroni tells Joshua (who's sad because he just woke up), "Josh, don't be sad.  You have a dad and a mom.  We're a family and we like our family."

Adam-isms

Thought I'd better save these.

On Tuesday our first snow of the season melted: "Oh no! Now it can't be Christmas!"

Hyrum woke up and needed help getting out of the bedroom, so I sent Adam to open the door. He comes running back, "Mom, come quick. Hyrum's about to have a crisis."

This morning Adam runs to the bedroom to find Hyrum. "Baby's still sleeping." Then he whispers inaudibly so he doesn't wake him. After telling him to speak up he says, "I think he wants to watch Phineas and Ferb."


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

"Hyrum likes me!"

Adam: Hey, Hyrum likes me!
Mom: Yes. He likes your hair too. (As Hyrum reaches out to stroke it.)
Adam: Yes, it's beautiful and blonde.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Family Scripture

For family scripture we play scripture tag. We usually read for 1 to 5 verses and then call on someone else (no tag backs). If Ruth is tagged we will usually read a few words and she will repeat them. We used to do this with Moroni, but he has rebelled and wants to read them on his own. He'll come over and look at someone else's scriptures and 'read,' "blah blah blah, golden plates and then..." Adam and Hyrum don't usually read with us. They usually wander around and try to play with everyone. A couple of nights ago Sam called on Adam. Adam was on his tummy with an open hymn book. He read to us, "mumble mumble mumble, And it came to pass, mumble mumble... Dad (his turn to read)." I wonder if this is what he hears during scripture time.

Changing Diapers

Me: Ben!?
Ben: Just a minute Mom. I'm changing Adam. He's stinky.
Me: He's stinky?
Ben: Yeah. We had corn last night, right?
Me: Yep.
Ben: Can we never have corn again?

A Cell You Can Eat

, a photo by mom4k12 on Flickr.

Each year that I have a child in Science 5, they have to make "A Cell You Can Eat." This year was Ben's turn.

From Ben:
I got two plastic bags to stand for cells. the one not in a cup is that animal cell. the one in the cup is the plant cell. The cup stands for a cell wall. They both have the nucleus (in this case it's a marshmallow). In the nucleus are the chromosomes (which are shredded carrots). We put mandarin oranges in the bags to stand for mitochondria. We put thinly cut bananas in for the golgi body, folded tortilla strips in to act as the endoplasmic reticulum, and raisins in the folds of the tortilla to act as the ribosomes.

Sam's Cooking ?!?!?!?!

, a photo by mom4k12 on Flickr.

Need I say more?

Monkey Ball

, a photo by mom4k12 on Flickr.

Moroni wanted to play Boom Blox, but alas, the disk bit the dust. He's played it so often that the Wii can't read it anymore (it might also have something to do with the ton of scratches from him not putting it away). He was devastated. He called it "Monkey Farm" so I thought he might like playing Monkey Ball (for the Game Cube). We inserted the game and found a couple of Cube controllers and away we went. He would get nervous if the ball was going to roll off the edge. Eventually it was too much so he relinquished the controllers to Ben and Sam. They had a lot of fun with an old game.

Bowling

July7b, a photo by mom4k12 on Flickr.

This year Moroni is strong enough to lift the balls himself onto the ramp. He didn't quite get 'taking turns' and so had a heart attack when every other time wasn't his turn. Fortunately Adam tuckered out and he got to finish off Adam's game so he got to play each time in between Sam and Ruth.