Preparing for Marriage

Note from Mom

I hope that you are working for an eternal marriage now.  This cannot wait until you find a companion and get married.  You need to work on who you need to be so you can find the type of person you want to find.  Start now and prayerfully ask the Lord, “What lack I yet?”  He will show you (and me) what we need to do to become the right kind of person.

Where Do You Want to Go?

In Lewis Carroll’s story Alice in Wonderland, Alice approaches the Cheshire Cat and asks, “Would you please tell me which way I ought to go from here?”

The Cheshire Cat replies, “That depends a great deal on where you want to go.”

Alice says, “I admit, I don’t much care where.”

The Cheshire Cat then says, “Then it doesn’t really matter much which way you go, does it?”

“Just so I get somewhere,” responds Alice.

Then the Cheshire Cat reveals an interesting truth: “Oh, you’re sure to get there if you keep walking long enough.”

How many of us are going through life telling ourselves, “If we keep going long enough, we’re going to get somewhere,” but are not defining exactly where that place is we want to be? “Somewhere” is not good enough. We must know where we want to go and be firmly committed to getting there. And we should get that knowledge and commitment early (Hales 2006).

Becoming Mr./Mrs. Right

As we visit with young adults all over the Church, often they will ask, "Well, what are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?" As though they have some checklist of, "I need to find someone who has these three, or hour, or five things." And I rather forcefully say to them, "You are so arrogant to think that you are some catch and that you want someone else who has these five things for you! If you found somebody who had these three or four or five characteristics that you're looking for, what makes you think they'd want to marry you?" The "list" is not for evaluating someone else -- the list is for you and what you need to become.  And so if there are three primary characteristics that [you] hope to find in an eternal companion, then those are the three things [you] ought to be working to become.  Then [you] will be attractive to someone who has those things. . . You are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics.  You become what you hope your spouse will be and you'l have a greater likelihood of finding that person (Bednar, 2009).

Faith and Dating

Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity?  Be a true disciple of Jesus.  Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint.  Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does.  You separate dating from discipleship at your peril (Holland, 2003).

Marital Timing

It's marriage time.  That is what the Lord intends for His young adult sons and daughters (Oaks, 2006).

I remind you that the association you now enjoy as students is probably the best time of your lives to find your own "Beloved Eternal Companion." Do so with a prayer in your heart.  It will be the most important decision you will ever make.  It will influence your life from now through all eternity (Hinckley, 2006).

I Hope you will not put off marriage too long. . . . Don't go on endlessly in a frivolous dating game.  Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision. (Hinckley, 1990).

Social Science Research on Marital Age

Studies have repeatedly found that age at marriage has a strong association with marriage outcomes until approximately the age of 21 or 22.  This means that up until this age, the older people are when they get married, the lower their chances are of getting divorced.  However, the association between age at marriage and divorce rate is virtually erased after the age of 22.  This means that being 23 or 25 or 30 years of age does little to decrease your chances of divorce any more than being 21 or 22 does (Carroll, 2012, p. 10).

Myth of the "Soul Mate"

President Kimball said, "Soul mates are fiction and illusion; and while every young man and young woman will see with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price" (as cited in Carroll, 2012, p. 11).

Other Valuable Articles:

Preparing Yourself for Marriage by Elder Eric B. Shumway
Preparing for an Eternal Marriage and Family in Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, Chapter 14

References

Bednar, D. A. (2009). Mormon Channel, Conversations, Episode 001. Retrieved from https://www.mormonchannel.org/listen/series/conversations-audio/elder-and-sister-bednar-episode-1

Carroll, J. S., (2012). Young Adulthood and Pathways to Eternal Marriage. In A. J. Hawkins & D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (pp. 3-15) Provo, UT: BYU Studies.

Holland, J. R. (2003, October). How do I love thee?. New Era,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/new-era/2003/10/how-do-i-love-thee?lang=eng

Oaks, D. H. (2006, June). Dating versus hanging out. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng