Nov 6, 2015

Same Sex Marriage

Resources to aid in a discussion:

Elder Bruce C. Hafen speaks on Same-Sex Attraction

Born That Way: Facts and Fiction about Homosexuality

When a Loved One Struggles with Same-Sex Attraction

Same Gender Attraction by Elder Oaks


Websites:
http://mormonsandgays.org/
http://www.ldsvoicesofhope.org/
http://northstarlds.org/

Wholesome Family Recreation

Note from Mom

I know that we have many family traditions ranging from our daily meals and prayers together, to watching “The Gift” during the Christmas season.  My own family had many traditions too and they hold many fond memories for my siblings and me.  When our house burned down we lost all of our Christmas decorations and paraphernalia.  We had a Christmas record that we would listen to every Christmas season and, of course, this was tragically lost in the fire.  I, and my siblings, hadn’t realized the memories that that dorky album held.  It wasn’t until my first year in college that my brother found it on CD and burned us all copies.  We have traditions because we hope that you, our children, will delight in many family memories.  We want you to enjoy being together, for we hope to be an eternal family.

"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."

View the "Wholesome Recreation."

What makes an activity "wholesome?"

What is the purpose in participating in "wholesome recreational activities?"

What are some activities we already do that are wholesome?

Image result for tin pails
Let's make a bucket list of activities we would like to try together as a family.

Quotes:
"Meaningful recreation does not just happen; it must be prepared for, cultivated and privately defended."
p225

Family Traditions/Rituals
"Familial benefits of religious rituals included strengthened relationships, more family togetherness and unity, increased communication, less contention and more kindness, [and] better parenting." (p233)

"Family meals, a traditional family ritual, have also been found to be beneficial for families.  Professional literature relates positive outcomes to family meals: family communication, family cohesiveness, healthy eating patterns, imporved literacy, better academic performance, and better mental health of adolescents." (p233)


Video:
Things as They Really Are

Work

Note from Mom

I know that we have a large family and it requires a lot of work and participation from everyone.  Until recently, I felt about work the same way you do, as a necessary evil that we need to get through before we enjoy and partake of the more fun parts of life.  I now realize that work isn’t an “evil” but it is a series of opportunities for us to focus on our family relationships and grow closer together.  I hope that you will joyfully engage with me in the years to come.

The family proclamation says, " Parents have a sacred duty to  to teach [their children] to love and serve one another."

Work is an opportunity for families to grow closer together.

Read "Working Together" from the June 1975 Friend.

Watch "The Fence"

What are obstacles that prevent us from enjoying work together?
Brainstorm ways to remove these obstacles.

What are some family projects that we could do together?

Quote:
"One young mother recalls pondering during scripture study why family work constantly requires every hour of every day.  While reading about the law of Moses, she realized that 'just as the law was designed to remind the people of the Lord, our family work has been designed to point our hearts toward the central reason we are here on the earth -- to build a family.'  If children were never underfoot and only had to be fed once a day, parents would get distracted.  'But because they are spitting up on us, whining to us, dumping cereal on our floors, and saying "Mommy?" all day, there's no way we can forget [were] our focus needs to be.'"
p221

Story Excerpt:
That’s when I experienced an overwhelming feeling of divine approval. It was so clear, precise, and tangible that I knew I had to write it down so I wouldn’t forget. I could see my day replay in my mind—full of feeding the hungry, doing laundry to clothe the naked (I changed Caden’s outfit multiple times), gently caring for our sick baby, helping our five-year-old prepare a family home evening lesson on missionary work, and then discussing the power of example with my family—in other words, helping people spiritually and temporally.
The impression flowed with such an overpowering feeling of peace that I knew the Lord was telling me He had accepted my offering. In caring for my family, I was fulfilling the admonitions of King Benjamin and President Eyring.
(July 2009 Ensign, "Latter-day Saint Voices: Was I Living the Gospel Fully?")

Homefront Video:
SciFi

Pray For and With Each Other

Note from Mom

There is a special spirit that comes to a married couple as they pray together.  I am grateful to your father for always taking the lead and grabbing my hands as he kneels by the bedside.  We pray for each other and we pray for each of you.  My favorite family prayers are those where you are thoughtful of your siblings and include their welfare in your prayer.  Keep loving each other and praying for each other.

A young couple fold their arms and lean their heads together while they pray.

"Husband and Wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other."
~ Family Proclamation

Prayer can heal failing marriages and strengthen good marriages.  Here is some advice that President Monson received when he married his wife, Frances:

On October 7, my wife, Frances, and I will have been married forty years. Our marriage took place just to the east of us in the holy temple. He who performed the ceremony, Benjamin Bowring, counseled us: “May I offer you newlyweds a formula which will ensure that any disagreement you may have will last no longer than one day? Every night kneel by the side of your bed. One night, Brother Monson, you offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. The next night you, Sister Monson, offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. I can then assure you that any misunderstanding that develops during the day will vanish as you pray. You simply can’t pray together and retain any but the best of feelings toward one another.”  (October 1998 General Conference, "Hallmarks of a Happy Home")

"Prayer can be a key component in coming to perceive a marriage relationship as sacred.  Coming to view the relationship in this way can be a protective factor, buffering the marriage against certain challenges (such as infidelity) that can diminish or destroy a marriage" (Lambert, 2012).

Teaching Prayer to Young Children:
Great already prepared family home evening lesson that teaches families that they need to invite Heavenly Father into their family and that they should pray together.

References:

Lambert, N. M. (2012). The eternal family: A plain and precious part of the plan of salvation. In     A. J. Hawkins & D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (pp. 196-200). Provo, UT: BYU Studies.

Temple Covenants

Note from Mom

    Because I love you guys as much as I do, the most reassuring fact I know is that your father and I were sealed in the temple for time and all eternity.  Because we were sealed, you were born into this marriage covenant.  We are told that because you are born in that covenant, you will be our children through all eternity.  I know of no sweeter blessing.  You know the book Love You Forever by Robert Munsch?  In it this refrain is sung several times, “I’ll love you forever.  I’ll like you for always.  As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”  As beautiful as this sentiment is, the covenants that your father and I have made allow this to go much farther.  *I* can say, “I’ll love you forever.  I’ll like you for always.  Far into the eternities, my baby you’ll be.”



"Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally."
(Proclamation on the Family)

Object Lesson:
"Using a Ziploc bag, fill it with little people toys or things to represent the family.  Don’t zip it up.  Turn it upside down and show what happens to our family when we are not sealed.  Then show how we stay together when the bag is sealed."
(Thanks "Connie's File Cabinet")

Learn About Temples:
from Mormon.org 
-or-
from the Church's publication "Temples"

Activity for Young Children
Give each child a strip of paper.  Have them write their name on it and decorate it to represent themselves.  Then staple together to create a chain and talk about how the temple unites us together eternally.

Quotes:
"The Shepherd will find his sheep. They were his before they were yours—long before he entrusted them to your care; and you cannot begin to love them as he loves them. They have but strayed in ignorance from the Path of Right, [but] God is merciful to ignorance. Only the fulness of knowledge brings the fulness of accountability. Our Heavenly Father is far more merciful, infinitely more charitable, than even the best of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is mightier in power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend."  
~ Orson F. Whitney
(as quoted in October 1987 General Conference by Vaughn J. Featherstone)


A Father's Role

Note from Mom
    I want you guys to know that I found you the very best father for you that I could.  He is loving and giving and cares for you very much.  All that he does outside of the home is aimed at providing for you inside our home.  He is selfless and sacrifices so much for your well-being.  Please don’t forget to tell him how much you love him.


Image result for Superman Logo

"The only superman I know is my dad."
~unknown



What does the proclamation tell us that a dad's job is?

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families."


Preside:
Preside means to exercise guidance or direction, to lead.  

"A worthy man is given the priesthood so he can preside in the home and bless his family. It is the father’s responsibility to gather the family together for family home evening and for family councils. When we join together, we develop greater love for each other as we share our testimonies and experiences. Fathers should also have prayerful, periodic interviews with each of their children. As the father listens with love, both father and child will be richly rewarded."
(Presiding Righteously in the Home, Ensign, February 2004)

Provide:
Fathers are supposed to "provide the necessities of life and protection for their families."  How do fathers do this?  I'll bet you haven't thought of the many ways that your father provides for you.

Activity - 
Play Jenga:  With each block that you pull out, name or describe a way that your father provides for you.
-or-
Spill the Beans: Before placing your bean, name something that your father provides.


For Younger Children:
Read this story from the friend and discuss the question at the end.
My Dad, My Friend

For a fun craft/activity you could make these Super Hero Tootsie Pops (without the valentine).

Find instructions at "Little Bit Funky"


Video:

A Mother's Role

Note from Mom
I love you and I absolutely LOVE being your mom.  I think I’ve always wanted to be a mom and I was fortunate to find a loving companion that would support this desire.  
When I was a child I knew that my mother loved me, but I didn’t realize how much my mother loved me until I had children of my own and felt the love that motherhood brings.  I know that I’m not a perfect parent, but I always try my best.  You are my greatest love and my greatest joy.  Don’t ever forget that!



My favorite quote on Motherhood, shared by Elder Neil L. Anderson in General Conference October 2011: “Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.”


Highlights from My All-Time Favorite Conference Talk
(and it happens to be on mothering)


Mothers Who Know
Sister Julie B. Beck, October 2007


Mothers Who Know Bear Children
Mothers who know desire to bear children. Whereas in many cultures in the world children are “becoming less valued,” in the culture of the gospel we still believe in having children. Prophets, seers, and revelators who were sustained at this conference have declared that “God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.”3 President Ezra Taft Benson taught that young couples should not postpone having children and that “in the eternal perspective, children—not possessions, not position, not prestige—are our greatest jewels.”


Mothers Who Know Honor Sacred Ordinances and Covenants
Mothers Who Know Are Nurturers
To nurture means to cultivate, care for, and make grow. Therefore, mothers who know create a climate for spiritual and temporal growth in their homes. Another word for nurturing is homemaking.

Working beside children in homemaking tasks creates opportunities to teach and model qualities children should emulate.

Growth happens best in a “house of order,” and women should pattern their homes after the Lord’s house (seeD&C 109). Nurturing requires organization, patience, love, and work.

Mothers Who Know Are Leaders
Mothers who know build children into future leaders and are the primary examples of what leaders look like. They do not abandon their plan by succumbing to social pressure and worldly models of parenting. These wise mothers who know are selective about their own activities and involvement to conserve their limited strength in order to maximize their influence where it matters most.

Mothers Who Know Are Teachers
“[Use] family scripture study, prayer, family home evening, mealtimes, and other gatherings to teach.”

Mothers Who Know Do Less
They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. They allow less media in their homes, less distraction, less activity that draws their children away from their home. Mothers who know are willing to live on less and consume less of the world’s goods in order to spend more time with their children—more time eating together, more time working together, more time reading together, more time talking, laughing, singing, and exemplifying. These mothers choose carefully and do not try to choose it all. 

Mothers Who Know Stand Strong and Immovable
We are led by an inspired prophet of God who has called upon the women of the Church to “stand strong and immovable for that which is correct and proper under the plan of the Lord.”6 He has asked us to “begin in [our] own homes”7 to teach children the ways of truth. Latter-day Saint women should be the very best in the world at upholding, nurturing, and protecting families.
These mothers have made and honor temple covenants. They know that if they are not pointing their children to the temple, they are not pointing them toward desired eternal goals.




Social Science Research on Mothering

As found in Erickson J. J., (2012). Mothers as nurturers. In A. J. Hawkins & D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (pp. 128-139) Provo, UT: BYU Studies.

“Children seem to do best when mothers show love by communicating about and being aware of their activities and behaviors.  Expressing love through listening, communicating, and monitoring enables a mother to be warm and supportive while setting and enforcing appropriate limits” (Erickson, 2012, p. 133).


“Children’s academic success and healthy behaviors have also been tied to their mothers’ involvement in talking with them, listening to them, and answering their questions” (as cited in Erickson, 2012, p. 133).


“One of the primary ways mothers nurture growth and development is through helping create an environment of safety, peace, and learning.  A central part of creating that environment is through organizing the home and family so that routines and rituals are carried out effectively” (Erickson, 2012, p. 133).


Emotional Work: “Mothers do this emotion work by facilitating conversations about feelings, listening carefully to family members’ feelings, recognizing the importance of feelings and offering encouragement, expressing appreciation, and asking questions to elicit family members’ sharing of feelings” (Erickson, 2012, p. 133)


“Research findings suggest that the hours after school may be particularly important for mothers in sharing experiences and monitoring children” (Erickson, 2013, p. 134).


“Mothers continue to provide cognitive stimulation . . . when they read to their children and teach them concepts” (Erickson, 2013, p. 134).


“A recent study of a large sample of Latter-day Saint parents found that a mother’s private religious behaviors -- including fasting, personal prayer, scripture study, study of other religious materials, and thinking about religion -- were a more significant influence on the quality of her parenting than the family’s religious behaviors” (Erickson, 2013, p. 136).


Videos on Motherhood


Other Great Conference Talks on Motherhood
Mothers and Daughters

Scripture Story
John 19:26-27

Dating

Note from Mom
I had a great time in college going on many dates.  Sometimes I even had more than one date a night.  I know that in today’s culture that this would be considered “playing the field,” and that dating is a term used for more serious relationships.  I hope that you will be able to find ways to date as it was meant to be and be the example of what dating should be.

dating.jpg




What is a date?
A “date” must pass the test of three p’s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off (Oaks, 2006).


The ABC’s


Awareness
Current research being conducted at BYU-Provo shows that this acquaintance/awareness stage is one of the particularly frustrating part of dating.  “Annette,” one of our research participants, expressed that “the initial asking out, I can understand, can be hard for guys.  So. . . that’s frustrating, . . . like you’re sending signals, ‘It’s okay if you ask me out,’ . . . but it doesn’t happen because they’re not picking them up.”  And from a male perspective, “Joseph” says simply: “It would be nice if girls were clear about whether they like or don’t like you.”  These real-life responses indicate that both males and females wish the other gender would be more straightforward in their dating strategies (Holmon, Poulsen, and others, 2012).


Watch “Flirting Academy” from Studio C.


Buildup
Why is dating important?
Simple and more frequent dates allow both men and women to “shop around” in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects. The old-fashioned date was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. It encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship. None of that happens in hanging out (Oaks, 2006).




Commitment & Discussion
Individuals who do not thoroughly discuss the status of their relationship as it progresses and where they see the relationship going in the long run might be putting themselves at risk for an unhappy (if not short-lived) marriage (Holmon Poulsen, and others, 2012).

Watch "Too Many Emotions" from Studio C.

Other Resources:
We shared the BYU-I Dating Model from FAML 160, great video if you can get access to it.


Fun Dating Story:
See the section entitled “Application to finding your eternal companion”



References
Holman, T. B., Poulsen, F., and others, (2012). The ABCs of sucessful romantic relationship development: Meeting, dating, and choosing an eternal companion. In A. J. Hawkins & D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (pp. 16-26) Provo, UT: BYU Studies.
Oaks, D. H. (2006, June). Dating versus hanging out. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng

Preparing for Marriage

Note from Mom

I hope that you are working for an eternal marriage now.  This cannot wait until you find a companion and get married.  You need to work on who you need to be so you can find the type of person you want to find.  Start now and prayerfully ask the Lord, “What lack I yet?”  He will show you (and me) what we need to do to become the right kind of person.




Where Do You Want to Go?
In Lewis Carroll’s story Alice in Wonderland, Alice approaches the Cheshire Cat and asks, “Would you please tell me which way I ought to go from here?”

The Cheshire Cat replies, “That depends a great deal on where you want to go.”

Alice says, “I admit, I don’t much care where.”

The Cheshire Cat then says, “Then it doesn’t really matter much which way you go, does it?”

“Just so I get somewhere,” responds Alice.

Then the Cheshire Cat reveals an interesting truth: “Oh, you’re sure to get there if you keep walking long enough.”

How many of us are going through life telling ourselves, “If we keep going long enough, we’re going to get somewhere,” but are not defining exactly where that place is we want to be? “Somewhere” is not good enough. We must know where we want to go and be firmly committed to getting there. And we should get that knowledge and commitment early (Hales 2006).


Becoming Mr./Mrs. Right
As we visit with young adults all over the Church, often they will ask, "Well, what are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?" As though they have some checklist of, "I need to find someone who has these three, or hour, or five things." And I rather forcefully say to them, "You are so arrogant to think that you are some catch and that you want someone else who has these five things for you! If you found somebody who had these three or four or five characteristics that you're looking for, what makes you think they'd want to marry you?" The "list" is not for evaluating someone else -- the list is for you and what you need to become.  And so if there are three primary characteristics that [you] hope to find in an eternal companion, then those are the three things [you] ought to be working to become.  Then [you] will be attractive to someone who has those things. . . You are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics.  You become what you hope your spouse will be and you'l have a greater likelihood of finding that person (Bednar, 2009).


Faith and Dating
Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity?  Be a true disciple of Jesus.  Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint.  Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does.  You separate dating from discipleship at your peril (Holland, 2003).


Marital Timing
It's marriage time.  That is what the Lord intends for His young adult sons and daughters (Oaks, 2006).

I remind you that the association you now enjoy as students is probably the best time of your lives to find your own "Beloved Eternal Companion." Do so with a prayer in your heart.  It will be the most important decision you will ever make.  It will influence your life from now through all eternity (Hinckley, 2006).

I Hope you will not put off marriage too long. . . . Don't go on endlessly in a frivolous dating game.  Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision. (Hinckley, 1990).


Social Science Research on Marital Age
Studies have repeatedly found that age at marriage has a strong association with marriage outcomes until approximately the age of 21 or 22.  This means that up until this age, the older people are when they get married, the lower their chances are of getting divorced.  However, the association between age at marriage and divorce rate is virtually erased after the age of 22.  This means that being 23 or 25 or 30 years of age does little to decrease your chances of divorce any more than being 21 or 22 does (Carroll, 2012, p. 10).


Myth of the "Soul Mate"
President Kimball said, "Soul mates are fiction and illusion; and while every young man and young woman will see with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price" (as cited in Carroll, 2012, p. 11).


Other Valuable Articles:
Preparing Yourself for Marriage by Elder Eric B. Shumway
Preparing for an Eternal Marriage and Family in Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, Chapter 14




References
Bednar, D. A. (2009). Mormon Channel, Conversations, Episode 001. Retrieved from https://www.mormonchannel.org/listen/series/conversations-audio/elder-and-sister-bednar-episode-1
Carroll, J. S., (2012). Young Adulthood and Pathways to Eternal Marriage. In A. J. Hawkins & D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (pp. 3-15) Provo, UT: BYU Studies.
Holland, J. R. (2003, October). How do I love thee?. New Era,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/new-era/2003/10/how-do-i-love-thee?lang=eng
Oaks, D. H. (2006, June). Dating versus hanging out. Ensign,. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng